(A/N: This is about the week starting 19th September so this is a special update. Updates should be once or twice a week. Date tbd)
Every single time I have to return to University it is a double-edged sword. There is the side I tell people:
‘Oh I’m so excited to be going back.’
‘I’m so excited to see my friends.’
‘It’ll be so good to have a routine again.’
These things are not lies. I do love my university and it’s campus, and the lectures, and the friends. But there’s the other side too.
The ‘Oh my god I’m not ready, I’m going to fail, what is everyone hates me, what if everyone’s forgotten me, I’m not smart enough to be there, why do I have to leave home, what if I don’t get on with my housemates, how do bills work, what if everyone’s mean, what if I’m left on my own…’ side.
It’s the less fun side. Also on a completely unrelated note, your hairdresser may not know how to deal with your breakdown but bless them for trying.
I think this all stems from the feeling of abandonment. It’s no one’s fault and so no one should feel guilt about it but that doesn’t make it any less awful. As every news outlet is fond of saying it is the ‘first foray into the real-world’ (which I have trouble with as a phrase. What have we been living in before? The Shire? Narnia? A galaxy far far away?) and this means going solo for the first time. I wish I could say these fears abate with passing year and for some people it might do. For me however, it is a bi-annual internal war-zone which is always worse in September after a long holiday surrounded by the comforts of the family and home.
(I’m going to add at this point, my experience is not quite the same as other people’s as I have family down in Nottingham who are my safety blanket. This also means that I get to perfect my house-tour (tickets available soon) and I don’t have to say goodbye quite as soon as everyone else. However the flip side is that not only do I have to wave goodbye to my family, but also my extended family. Essentially my brain thinks I am being abandoned times two.)
This reaches it’s peak about week before I go back as I realise that with all the will in the world I cannot actually prevent time from moving. Stupid time.
I can say with some certainty that things get easier when you actually are at the university and doing things. For examples, see below.
A List of Things I as A 20 Year Old Third Year Have Done:
- Played mini-golf at the Lost City with my family-a respectable second place, thank you
- Set up my attic bedroom, made sure it looks as #Instagram but also #Nerdy as possible
- Broke the wifi which angered the housemates
- Fixed the wifi with tweezers which pleased the flatmates
- Got into a card game with my friend and two teddy bears (it was for four people so we got inventive)
- Bought an aerial for the house and a bath mat (a true marker of adulthood)
- Returned the aerial after it didn’t work
- Spent more time than necessary at my friend’s house, watching Bake-Off and Strictly, all the while reassuring her housemate that I had not in fact moved in
- Watched Bridget Jones Baby twice. Both times the revolving door scene made me cry laughing (having been caught in a deck-chair this summer, I sympathised)
- Nearly won a game of Cards Against Humanity with some answers I will definitely have repent for at some point
- Picked up a hoodie so I am officially a member of URN (University Radio Nottingham. Yes I know the acronym is not good. No we cannot change it). I spent the last semester being an unofficial member and no one seemed to mind but for this year it seemed appropriate I blend in a bit more
- Trained to sell the Freshers tickets at Welcome Week (shockingly simply plan: Sell the Freshers the tickets. Who’d have guessed?)
- Watched more Friends episodes than anyone really should
Wisdom for today:
Things are rarely as scary as you think they’re going to be. University is definitely one of them. Zombies are not one of them. Definitely be afraid of Zombies.